So Long, Insecurity

I'm going to skip the updates and apologies for the moment and continue on like no time at all has passed.

One of my goals (aka new years resolutions, which I am very big on) is to read 25 new books this year. I love to read, and I love a good story, but the problem is that I rarely stumble on a story that I like, let alone love. Unfortunately the trendy thing is a tragedy. It seems writers feel this is more realistic and therefore a better piece of writing. I like to read because I want to experience something better than reality. I want to read something that shows good triumphing evil, what goes around comes around, and strengthens my trust in hope. I don't want to be doused in a cold bucket of injustice, irony and a clever piece that is so convincingly human, it could pass for the tragedy of something I've experienced. I read to live briefly in a world I can trust, to escape the one I cannot. Sometimes I read to gain a new perspective or experience something I wouldn't otherwise, but it's gotta end with a happy story. It has to keep my hope in humanity alive. I see too much in day to day life that makes me cynical. I want fiction to leave me inspired and fortified. I think, judging by my rant, that too often for my liking, me and contemporary fiction do not see eye to eye.

My point in sharing all of this is that, as a result, I usually spend my time rereading the same set of novels: pride and prejudice, ella enchanted, twilight series, harry potter series, etc. Books I know are going to make me smile at the end of the day.

Therefore my goal may seem small, but knowing that I will continue in this pattern, especially as I am disappointed in reading, 25 new books is a large undertaking for me.

I've finished my first book.


http://www.amazon.com/So-Long-Insecurity-Youve-Friend/dp/1414334729

This was a gift from Jon for Christmas. I've been doing Beth Moore's bible studies for the last year and a half and I LOVE them. Love em. Anyway, the more I do them, the more I wish I knew her personally. Jon knew I was interested in reading her books as well so he got this one for me.

It was a little slow moving for me, at first, but I really did love it. I am probably going to be buying this for gifts for friends and family for a while. I don't think I struggle with insecurity a lot, and as it turns out, my biggest insecurity is not the typical one. Honestly, my biggest insecurity is feeling unloved/not valued/unwanted in family. Core family, extended family, step family, in-laws, you name it. I want more than anything to solidly belong, and it's a fear of mine that I don't.

Thanks to Beth's book, I am now facing the fact that wishing things were different, wishing I had more affirmation, wishing people would change is passive and is not going to solve anything. I cannot hang my security on the approval and love of flawed human beings. My security comes from Christ alone. I can't just cry to Jon and feel sorry for myself when I feel rejected. I need to stop letting perceived familial slights shake my foundation. I can still feel hurt, but I can't let that feeling or person claim my security. I guess I should be thankful that I got a particularly strong dose of it less than 24 hours after finishing the book. Afterall, how else would I recognize the situation and feelings for what they were? I remembered the instructions because they were fresh in my mind and now I have a chance at healing and restoration. Praise to God.

I think I can count this first book as a success.

I've never been more proud of my husband

Yes, it's been months. Let's just skip that for now.

It has been a stressful couple of weeks. Things at my job had gotten progressively worse, I recently started a new business venture parttime, and school has been reaching the boiling point. My job at NPUC has been the brunt of my stress recently. I won't go into that right now, but suffice it to say, that even though Jon and I were preparing to get me out of there and he had recently gotten a bunch of interviews and interest (which was a HUGE deal for us; he's been graduated for two years and not a single interview despite all of his efforts), we were comfortable, but not officially ready for me to quit. Well, it seems that God had other plans. And He wanted it done in such a way that I would A) not put it off B) not continue to try to work there full time, or part time, or even per diem and C) never, ever go back. For anyone that thinks God is hard to read, sometimes He's just loud and clear. And if you don't listen, He just gets louder and clearer. Thanks to Him for that!

Anyway, the situation was taken out of my control. Jon was researching two different jobs that were both interested in him and several different career paths. He met with several different schools, sought counsel from my dad, his friends, his CLC brothers and some of his professors at Seminary. We decided that we would wait until Friday when he got at least one official offer before I put in my two weeks notice, which I did. So he had two weeks to make a decision. He thoroughly and painstakingly researched all of his options and possible paths and spent a lot of time in prayer. It all came down to a prayer and then a  phone call with my dad last night before his meeting this morning. He went into it fairly confident of the outcome and he was right. The details matter too though.

The first job was for a management position at Taco Bell. There is nothing Jon wants to do less than work in food again. Even as a management position. But they really liked him and were willing to pay him way more than they probably should and most importantly, they were willing to bend over backwards to work around his school schedule while he completes his second degree in the next year. It's definitely not what we wanted. I know it's a stupid reason, but it's embarassing to tell someone that you work at Taco Bell when you're 24. Especially when you have a degree and you have a family to support. You feel like you have to justify yourself.

The second job was for a writing position at Guardian. The pay was good, and what's more, they really loved him. They appreciated his skill and ability and they loved his integrity. They would have even been willing to be flexible with his work schedule to allow him to take his classes. But they would not be willing to do all of this just to lose him in 1 year, which is our projected time table for him to finish school.

Just incredible. Had this offer come 24 hours ago, he'd have taken it. But after all of the prayer and guidance, he felt confident that God was leading us in a different direction, and we're trusting that. It's crazy to me that we wanted this for so long, worked for it so hard, prayed for it night after night for two long years, and He actually gave it to us. But He also let us know that He has something better planned, and He gave us the courage to follow Him. He never ceases to amaze me. If I believed He would give me what I wanted, I didn't expect He would give it to me like this. That always seems to be the way with Him, at least in my own life.

So, I'm done at NPUC in ten days, and will be self employed from now on as a Premier Designs Consultant, which pays better and allows me to spend 90.4% (I did the math) more time home with my daughters. I've wanted that so badly. Jon is going to finish out the fall semester at seminary, take the winter semester at seminary and then start at Pitt full time in the spring to earn his second bachelor's degree in computers.  He'll be working full time as a manager at Taco Bell until he completes his degree, which will hopfully be in a year.

Now I'm going to be praying for this next year to speed by, followed by an immediate resolution, and patience to last til we get there!

I'm going to leave you with an excerpt from lyrics to a song I've had on repeat for a while, but that also speaks a lot into our lives right now:  You Lead by Jamie-Grace


I've got waves that are tossin' me,
Crashin' all over my beliefs,
And in all sincerity, Lord,
I wanna be yours,
So pull me out of this mess I'm in,
Cause I know I'm wanderin'
Lead my soul back home again,
I've always been yours,

And this world may push, may pull,
But your love it never fails,

You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see,
So lead me on and on, on and on,
Just lead me on and on, on and on

I'm excited to get started, to get moving. But I'm ecstatic to see and feel God working to strongly in our lives. I'm so proud that I have a husband who trusts and follows God, even when it's terrifying and not what the rest of the world expects of you. I'm feeling incredibly blessed and encouraged. Lead us on.

Earring Fiasco

I had my ears pierced for the first time when I was five. Unfortunately, one came out somehow and it was a horrible experience having my mother try to get them back in. Eventually, she gave up and they closed.

When I had Ella, I decided against getting her ears pierced as a baby. I thought it would be better to let her decide for herself if she wanted them, and I figured it would be a good idea to wait until she was old enough to clean them herself, twist them herself, change them herself, and not accidentally rip them out with flailing baby hands.

So when Ella turned five this past July, I offered to take her to get them pierced as a birthday present. But I warned her it would hurt a little and she would have to be responsible for taking care of them. The mention of pain was enough to deter her for a month and a half until, this past Sunday, when she saw a little girl about her age wearing pretty dangly earrings. She decided it was worth it. We took her right away, before she could change her mind.

She handled it so well! She didn't cry and she's been a stickler for making sure they get twisted and cleaned twice a day.

Then disaster struck. This morning, she was laying on the couch and one of the prongs of her earrings (she chose princess crowns) got stuck on the couch pillow. When she jumped up, it yanked the safety back off and ripped the earring out. Her ear was bleeding a little and it was nearly impossibly to get the earring in at all, as any parent who's been through this can attest. Luckily, I work at an urgent care, so that's where I was when this happened. My husband brought her to my work and if this has happened to you I suggest you do the same. It was simple, easy, took about 2 minutes, and Ella came out smiling.

First, the doctor quickly put a lidocaine filled needle through the hole (Ella barely protested), kept it there for a minute and then took it out. Then we gave her the original earring (with the pointy tip for piercing). Ella flipped. She screamed, struggled, and kicked. Rather than continuing to try to hold her down, I held her hands and explained that the medicine they just used made it so that she wouldn't feel a thing. I told her to close her eyes and I talked to distract her and the doctor took another minute while she slowly worked the earring through. Then she snapped the saftey back onto the back of the earring and we were done.

I would advise going to an urgent care, doctors office or even the emergency room rather than trying to put it back in yourself. It really is painful and traumatic and it's just not worth it.