Thursday, January 5, 2012

So Long, Insecurity

I'm going to skip the updates and apologies for the moment and continue on like no time at all has passed.

One of my goals (aka new years resolutions, which I am very big on) is to read 25 new books this year. I love to read, and I love a good story, but the problem is that I rarely stumble on a story that I like, let alone love. Unfortunately the trendy thing is a tragedy. It seems writers feel this is more realistic and therefore a better piece of writing. I like to read because I want to experience something better than reality. I want to read something that shows good triumphing evil, what goes around comes around, and strengthens my trust in hope. I don't want to be doused in a cold bucket of injustice, irony and a clever piece that is so convincingly human, it could pass for the tragedy of something I've experienced. I read to live briefly in a world I can trust, to escape the one I cannot. Sometimes I read to gain a new perspective or experience something I wouldn't otherwise, but it's gotta end with a happy story. It has to keep my hope in humanity alive. I see too much in day to day life that makes me cynical. I want fiction to leave me inspired and fortified. I think, judging by my rant, that too often for my liking, me and contemporary fiction do not see eye to eye.

My point in sharing all of this is that, as a result, I usually spend my time rereading the same set of novels: pride and prejudice, ella enchanted, twilight series, harry potter series, etc. Books I know are going to make me smile at the end of the day.

Therefore my goal may seem small, but knowing that I will continue in this pattern, especially as I am disappointed in reading, 25 new books is a large undertaking for me.

I've finished my first book.

This was a gift from Jon for Christmas. I've been doing Beth Moore's bible studies for the last year and a half and I LOVE them. Love em. Anyway, the more I do them, the more I wish I knew her personally. Jon knew I was interested in reading her books as well so he got this one for me.

It was a little slow moving for me, at first, but I really did love it. I am probably going to be buying this for gifts for friends and family for a while. I don't think I struggle with insecurity a lot, and as it turns out, my biggest insecurity is not the typical one. Honestly, my biggest insecurity is feeling unloved/not valued/unwanted in family. Core family, extended family, step family, in-laws, you name it. I want more than anything to solidly belong, and it's a fear of mine that I don't.

Thanks to Beth's book, I am now facing the fact that wishing things were different, wishing I had more affirmation, wishing people would change is passive and is not going to solve anything. I cannot hang my security on the approval and love of flawed human beings. My security comes from Christ alone. I can't just cry to Jon and feel sorry for myself when I feel rejected. I need to stop letting perceived familial slights shake my foundation. I can still feel hurt, but I can't let that feeling or person claim my security. I guess I should be thankful that I got a particularly strong dose of it less than 24 hours after finishing the book. Afterall, how else would I recognize the situation and feelings for what they were? I remembered the instructions because they were fresh in my mind and now I have a chance at healing and restoration. Praise to God.

I think I can count this first book as a success.

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